"I am the payroll accountant for professional protestors in Minnesota, and I am swamped" By John Moe
McSweeny's Internet TendencyDaily humor almost everyday since 1998.
“House Majority Whip Tom Emmer, R-Minn., slammed Minnesota state leaders after anti-Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agitators disrupted a church service in St. Paul… Emmer speculated many of the agitators were ‘chaos agents’ or paid protesters, adding that he believes the majority are from outside the state.” — Fox News
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TO: All contract protest staff
FROM: Joyce
People, I am trying to work with you here and make sure you all get your sizable paychecks, but you need to work with me, too. If you are a contract employee, I absolutely need your W-9. And that means your ACTUAL LEGAL NAME. I’m getting too many forms in here with names like “A. Concerned Citizen” and “Fight D. Power,” and while I don’t know you or your family history, I just don’t think those are accurate.
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TO: All hourly protest staff
FROM: Joyce
Hi, everyone. I know things are hectic as heck right now, but please be sure to fill out your timesheets every Friday by 5 p.m. Central. I can’t pay you unless I know your hours. Please also try to be accurate. Someone turned in a timesheet, and under the hours, they just wrote “CONSTANT VIGILANCE.” Well, those are just not numbers. And I don’t think you’re vigilant when you’re asleep, now are you?
And honestly, you have time to fill out those timesheets. If you’re a passenger in a car following ICE agents, just jot it down on the dashboard!
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TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce
I’ve been getting questions about disclosing your legal name and Social Security number to the government you are presently fighting. I understand your concern. All I can tell you is that the CFO, the CEO, and everyone else in upper management at Antifa have told me that since this is a legitimate centralized organization, we must follow the rules. Any questions, please check with your manager, see the flowchart on the company intranet for clarification if needed.
Also, remember: The government has been unable to find evidence that you are paid protestors or even any records of our organization. These are not very bright guys. You should be fine.
TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce
Hotdish in the breakroom. Help yourself. Thanks to all the highly paid parents patrolling school drop-off and pickup for this delicious surprise!
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TO: All professional actors
FROM: Joyce
First, let me say how honored we all are to have real actors on the team. I’m concerned that your “method” approach is creating problems with paperwork. You all insist that you’re not actors but regular Minnesotans moved to action by the emergency in your community. I want to remind you that we held those auditions in New York (two monologues and a song) and brought you here. Don’t forget: Your union classifies all this as regional theater.
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-am-the-payroll-accountant-for-professional-protestors-in-minnesota-and-i-am-swamped
There are several more at this link!
= new reply since forum marked as read
TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce
The accounting department needs to take additional steps to track our sizable funding. On future invoices and timesheets, please designate your “team,” so we know which donor account to draw from. You should have already received an email as to whether you are on Team Soros, Team Obama, Team Illuminati, Team Secretive Jewish Cabal, The Cheney Family We’re As Surprised As You Are Team, or Oprah’s Very Special Protest Club.
there is zero evidence of paid protesters.
It is called oppression when you want to suppress humor.
TO: All protest staff
FROM: Joyce
Hey, there’s a big recycling bin in the break room filled with cash. Help yourself. Tax-free. Thank you to our new sponsor, Mall of America!
the heart of Emmer Country (unfortunately!) and I haven't received any of my promised checks yet! Even after freezing my buns off yesterday morning at the weekly ICE protest at the downtown library, thus further proving my dedication to my employment! Now how am I going to be able to afford to buy the stuff to make my MN Hotdish Surprise for the next ICE takeout meeting? What say you to that, joyce??
