I thought it would get better by now. Husband died 2-6 and I still can't sleep and must force

[Ziggysmom]

myself to eat and drink. Already receiving med treatment for depression and anxiety. This feels different than depression. It’s got guilt mixed in and feels 100 times worse.

I sympathize with everyone here and pray things get better. The entire process is made so much worse by the wars and economy. There’s no where to go where you feel safe and not fearful of the future.

[applegrove]

1. (((((Hugs))))

[Ziggysmom]

22. Hugs back at you!

Virtual hugs ARE felt, thank you!

[Deuxcents]

2. Wishing you peace for your broken heart 💔 Chat wit us..you may be by yourself but you're not alone 🌺

[Ziggysmom]

24. Thank you, wishing for peace for the world.

[LoisB]

3. I hope it gets easier for you soon. There is no time frame for grief.

[Ziggysmom]

25. I am learning a lot from this forum. Was feeling really low today, but now I

don’t feel so alone.

[hlthe2b]

4. I am sorry. I am most certainly no expert and my professional training is not in that area but

I've certainly had my own share of grief over the years--experiencing the crash after the initial numbness (which is apparently quite common) wears off. The latter gets you through whatever horrible period of illness, death, funeral, notifications, people wanting to talk to you, post-financial issues and dealing with belongings-- all of that, but once it wears off. Wow.

I can only tell you what has helped me in every instance, albeit over many months or more. And that is getting outside--by myself and walking, walking, walking, walking--often with beautifully sad music and letting it all out where no one can hear me cry, scream, wail. Even if one is not physically able to do that, being out in nature really helped me and I know some others as well. But, the movement--whatever movement that might be is part of it. Finding purpose helps too--especially if it might directly or indirectly honor the memory of the one lost.

That sounds simplistic and i am sorry if so. But, it has helped me with three wrenching deaths--including the death of a beloved dog who helped get me through the first two human deaths on those long wrenching walks. So, I feel I should suggest it.

Best wishes.

[Joinfortmill]

9. This sounds like it would be very helpful.

[Ziggysmom]

30. Thank you for sharing. I'm in Wisconsin waiting for the weather to cooperate so I can get out more.

I have two cats that are helping keep me sane.

[hlthe2b]

32. If you are physically up to it, cross country skiing on public golf courses in winter is another

ideal way to get outside (and boy will it warm you up quickly)... You might be surprised at others doing it or go through your local parks department to see if they have groups or classes or some way to meet up with others to do it. Teach you how, if you haven't done it before. Colorado has had a miserably warm, minimal snow winter, but I hear Wisconsin has had more than its share. Just a thought.

[blm]

5. Understandable

and reasonable given the global trauma that is being inflicted at the same time you are dealing with such a deep loss. 🤔

[SheltieLover]

6. Contact your local hospice for bereavement counseling

They are specially trained to help people resolve their grief.

Healing vibes on the way to you.

[Tree Lady]

28. I joined a hospice group when my dad died

Helped a lot, he was my best friend.

[SheltieLover]

39. Yes, groups are incredibly powerful!

Glad you joined & found peace through the process.

[Scrivener7]

7. It's still very, very early. And grief is very different than depression. I know it's really

hard to believe this, but grief is a productive process. It will eventually pull you through this. But it does take time and there is no way to get around it.

I'm so sorry for your hard time.

[Joinfortmill]

8. Prayed for you. Grief is painful.

When you're ready a grief group of some sort might help a bit.

[bucolic_frolic]

10. Buy a marble cover composition book and journal it out

The act of putting fingers to pen to paper helps the mind work things out. Over time you'll see patterns, you see how some thoughts repeat, and therefore something that needs attention or a different perspective.

Can't sleep? Get to sleep, or stay asleep? I take 1mg melatonin and a folate tablet about 9pm, 50mg magnesium and a mega dose of vitamin D after dinner. This per some ideas from YouTube's Dr. Berg. At least I sleep well, and that was not always the case.

We all don't feel safe. I see erratic things in the stores. Gasoline stations were usually within 10 cents of each other. Now some are 35 cents higher than the others. Don't know if the difference reflects old contracts, storage, or price gouging. Food prices are up and up. The same products can vary by $2 or more store to store. Some stores are sparsely stocked. Some products I can't find. WalMart had no cranberry sauce.

People are jolted. I encountered two drivers on the same back road barreling down the middle. I would have been run into a ditch if I hadn't blown my horn early and loud. And they look at me like I've got no right to be there. Who are you to toot at me before I run you over?

Hope this helps, hang in there, take an hour to put it out of your mind, talk to family or friend weekly.

[Ziggysmom]

36. Thank you. My daughter has polycystic kidney disease and Dr. Bergs keto diet really helps

decrease the size and number of cysts in the kidneys. Your driving experience sounds horrific. I find people today just don’t value life and it’s deeply distressing.

Take care ❤️

[crimycarny]

11. I lost my son a little over 4 years ago

I lost my son to suicide at age 25, just a little over 4 years ago. One thing I learned very quickly about our society is how grief-illiterate we are. It is a pain that can't be described, as there are no human words for the devastation, the complete implosion of your entire belief system and reason for existence.

I got so much "advice" from people who had no clue. Megan Devine's book, "It's Ok You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand," was a lifesaver. Megan Devine talks about this same sort of "advice" she got, as well as the judgment (she lost her fiancé, who drowned in a river as they were walking together).

My advice would be to find a support group of people with similar loss, and I highly recommend Megan Devine's book.

David Kessler has a website, "grief.com". He was a grief counselor who worked with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Then he lost his son, he said that after losing his son (overdose), he wanted to go to every patient he'd counseled and apologize. What he thought he knew about grief, he realized he'd gotten all wrong. I just visited his site, and he has a free live event coming up on 3/24: "When a Spouse Dies: Support for the Loneliness No One Talks About." If you register for the event, you will get a link to a video of it in case you can't attend live.

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss.

[Ziggysmom]

41. Those two words said it all. GRIEF ILLITERATE. We get three whole days of bereavement leave

from work. People expect you to just flip a switch and go on with your life. What has happened to caring and empathy?

My condolences for your son. Thank you for the info about Kessler; I have read Kubler-Ross. I will tune in to the event 3/24.

Hugs.

[crimycarny]

59. I swear if I heard "you're so strong" one more time

I got so tired of being told how "strong" I was from people who had no clue what grief actually feels like. It was like they were patting me on the back and giving me a grade on my grief. Grief has nothing to do with "strength"; what choice did I have? Every day is a struggle to get through. Grief is ugly, messy, and not some sort of valiant, noble journey.

Lisa Marie Presley talked about her grief after losing her son, Benjamin, to suicide. She talked about the inanity of being told how "strong" she was. She said, "What does that even mean? Just throw sh*t at me, and I'll survive?"

This is the most difficult journey a human being can walk, and each person's journey is unique to them. Don't ever let anyone try to tell you what yours should look like. Some go off to start foundations in their loved one's honor, some barely make it out of bed, and all sorts of in-between. All are brave, all are real.

[Marie Marie]

12. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some slack. Grief never just goes away, it just

begins to lessen over time. But that happens after the initial shock of grief and depression and you are probably solidly in that phase. Counseling might help and you are always welcome to come share with us. We care,,,

[Diamond_Dog]

13. I'm so sorry, Ziggysmom.

What you’re feeling is totally understandable. Please know that so many of us here are wishing you love, strength, and hope.

[Lulu KC]

14. It's too soon

One year to step one of feeling better is what I generally observe. Give yourself time and whatever else you need.

[dlilafae]

15. Ziggysmom...

♥️🩷♥️

[femmedem]

16. When my fiance died suddenly in his early 30s, I walked the same trail every day for a year.

In the best of weather, it was calming. In the worst, it reminded me how hard survival is for most living things, that most living things don't die of old age, and that my fiance dying wasn't unfair or uniquely tragic, just a hard fact of the world. I'm not religious, but it helped to think that molecules that he breathed were all around me, that even molecules that had passed through his porous skin were here, too.

I also couldn't sleep, and didn't eat for several weeks. I couldn't focus enough to read anything except writings about death and bereavement; everything else was just letters swirling around a page.

But one day, as I drifted asleep, I realized that for the first time, I'd made it through an entire day without crying. Of course, that made me sob. But then there were other days, and others, until it became the norm.

For a while, time was my enemy, for it seemed that every day pushed me further away from him. But time then became my friend, for it eventually allowed me to remember the love more than the grief.

This was decades ago, and I didn't have friends my own age who had been through it. I hope that you know some people who understand from experience, or that people who know you a little bit will step forward and offer support. People who did that for me got me through it.

My writing will never be the same as talking to people in person, but feel free to message me if you ever want. I probably won't answer right away--I don't spend a lot of time on DU--but I'll probably answer within 24 hours.

[traveler50]

17. Grieve is a journey.

As a widow may I express my deepest sympathy. Every day it may hurt a little less but the missing never ends. Praying you find the strength to overcome the pain.

[Fla Dem]

18. It is difficult to move on. A lttle over a month is pretty fast.

But hopefully at some point when you think of your husband it will be with love and happiness in your heart as you remember the happy times you had together. Peace be with you.

[Trueblue Texan]

19. I am so terribly sorry.

I cannot imagine what you are going through. I am sending you a warm hug and healing thoughts. Pretty useless I know, but it's all I got. Peace and healing, Ziggysmom.

[Ponietz]

20. DU Hug!!!

[Tesha]

21. I can't even imagine how it feels

But it’s a fear of mine, to lose my husband, so much of us is… us.

I hope you find a connection, somewhere - someone - some space - soon.

[cpamomfromtexas]

23. I almost completely stopped eating for 3 years

I had to literally teach myself to eat again.

My condolences. Sleep as much as you can. You’ve been through a lot.

Decide you want to live again. And do it!

[BigmanPigman]

26. Grief is a very personal process

Don't force yourself to "get over it" and anyone who tells you that is clueless. Ignore them!

Everyone grieves in a different way. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime and that is OK. Do not force yourself to "be normal". Do not be hard on yourself either. The process is sort of like "2 steps forward, one step back". Over time it will lessen but it may not seem like it. You will not be functioning normally and you shouldn't be. Don't expect too much from yourself. You'll forget common stuff, you'll be easily distracted, unable to focus, have small accidents, etc. That is normal. Eating, sleeping, everything will be different and this is expected. No matter what you lost (a friendship, a pet, a job, a home, etc) you will be experiencing physical and mental changes. It IS different from depression. Be kind to yourself and do not take on more than you can handle. Perhaps start keeping a journal of what you feel, what you miss, what you enjoy, how you have changed from one hour to the next, .....let it all out, it's good for you!



Grief can last a lifetime and everyone is different. Meryl Streep lost John Cazale in the 1970s and she said she does not want to forget the pain since it is a part of her and her life. She wants to keep the love as well as the pain. It is a part of her.

[yellow dahlia]

37. Good thoughts and advice.

[underpants]

27. ❤️

[BonnieJW]

29. Its only been about 6 weeks

Give yourself a big break

My husband and I were married for 48 years when he suddenly died at 70. No sickness or medical problems, he was just gone when I came home from work one day. We had known each other since I was 17 and he was 19. He took me to my prom.

Lean on your friends. Accept the hugs and concern from your family, especially your kids. Grieve together. Let your neighbors help you. You will be surprised and moved to find how many people want to be there for you.

[Tree Lady]

31. Sending a virtual hug

You are not alone.

[mwmisses4289]

33. (((gentle hug))) 🫂

[yellow dahlia]

34. Everything's harder in this environment.

Give yourself permission to cut yourself some slack. Take your time processing.

I never like to tell people what to do, or what works for me...but. I find that doing something productive to help others has rewards for my own psyche. But if that doesn't work for you, find whatever does.

I think there is balance to be found. If wallowing for a day or two is cathartic - go with it. Don't chastise yourself.

Do you have friends who listen? Who listen without trying to be the answers?

And most of all - take care of yourself.

[calimary]

35. Hey Ziggysmom! Once again I realize just how VALUABLE this place is.

We’re here for each other, to assert AND protect our rights. And best of all, it’s round-the-clock, with very few exceptions.

Here’s a hug:
(((((((((( * ))))))))))

[kimbutgar]

38. I'd so sorry for your loss

Big hugs to you.

That said, he is still with you in heart and spirit ! And sometimes when you least expect it he’ll pay you a visit! I believe the body dies but the spirit hangs around and shows up when you least expect it!

[AllaN01Bear]

40. ""

[Ziggysmom]

42. THANK YOU EVERYONE! Everyone will experience grief in their lifetime. It should not be

something we hide or ignore.

Praying for peace and love to you all!

[Figarosmom]

43. hitthe2b is right, go outside

There are negative ions in the air that will calm you, that's science. Even if it's just to sit on the porch.

Other than that pick up a hobby that will make you get absorbed in something else and take those moments of peace.

[HeartsCanHope]

44. I'm so sorry, Ziggysmom.

Sending you lots of love, and hoping you can get some rest. Will be thinking of you.

[niyad]

45. Huggggggs, my friend and please be kind and gentle and loving

with yourself. Your loss is barely a month old, the shock has barely had time to register, let alone wear off. It is extremely important to remember that each person grieves in their own way, there is no right or wrong, only what is yours. It is also important to remember that grieving is not a linear process, done stage by stage and done. You can circle and cycle through them at different times. For some reason, the funeral scene in "Steel Magnolias" helps some people.

Please also remember that your DU family is here for you. Lean as hard as you need. There is always someone here.

[KitFox]

46. Oh my dear Ziggysmom, My heart hurts for you as you are inching your way through this journey that was suddenly thrust

upon you. How I remember wanting to scream, “ If there is a light at the end of the tunnel, will someone please turn it on!” These first stretches of grief are double whammies taking both physical and mental tolls on your fragile self. Don’t look for something big; just get through the day; get through the night. Don’t hold back on those waves of ugly crying and sobbing. Your body needs that release. Eventually you will be able to expand your boundaries and little by little find your way forward. I lost my dear husband nine years ago and would be more than willing to be your sounding board and support. You can message me anytime. Sending you the gentlest of hugs dear heart. 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

[Hassler]

47. My deepest condolences to you. I share

Your grief. My wife died in January. As you grieve, look also for moments of gratitude to help smooth off the rough edges of your grief. 🙏☮️

[kairos12]

48. I lost my wife of 40 years three years ago.

I don't have a lot of advice. A few things that helped me. First, I have to answer the question who am I without her. Still working on that. Second, in terms of how I view her: I don't see her as a past memory, I don't see her as a future, I see her beside me. Everyday. I also look at grief as unexpressed love. I can live with that.

Last, I use the mantra "the only easy day, was yesterday."

I send you peace and strength.

[Danmel]

49. I'm sorry you are going through this

Sending hugs. Please know your DU family is thinking of you.

[marked50]

50. I am sorry for what you are gooing through and hope that you find some solace with it all soon.

[Bayard]

51. I'm so sorry, Ziggysmom...

Like with depression, people who tell you to get over it, or move on with your life, are totally clueless. They've obviously never experienced this kind of loss.

Just a few things to think about that helped me when I lost my big brother. He had been my hero, and best friend since I was little. I took back up two things that I used to do, and really enjoyed, but gotten away from. The first was oil painting. I turned out some dark subjects during that time, but it absorbed and calmed me.
The second thing--I started riding again. I came across a woman that boarded a horse right down the road from me, that she didn't have a lot of time for. Free lease. Very, very therapeutic, and I eventually bought my own horse. Animals are the best listeners in the world.
Finally, I started writing down everything I could remember about my brother in a little book. Many smiles through the tears.

What do you enjoy doing? Gardening? Walking? Spring is here. Love cats or dogs? Can you volunteer at a local shelter to do nothing but go in and pet needy, lonely animals. It can be so soothing for you and them.

I still grieve for my brother after 30 years, and now, the rest of my family that are gone. Holidays are pretty tough, and I still get depressed every year. DU is a life saver! I met my best friend, Duppers, on here many years ago. You always have friends here, day or night.

[synni]

52. It took me 7 years to feel better

There is no time schedule for grieving. You need to move at your own pace, and try to take good care of yourself.

You mentioned being on medication, but are you in psychotherapy? It was an absolute must for me, as it is for millions of other people. Medication alone isn't enough to help you move forward.

Grieving is a long, slow process that doesn't necessarily move in a straight line. You will start having good days, then suddenly have a bad day that nearly knocks you to the floor. This is normal. It does eventually get better, but it can't be rushed, unfortunately.

Sending you a virtual hug!

[MLAA]

53. Dear Ziggysmom, here is what helped me when my beloved died in October.

I found quiet time, closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts. Then I spoke to my husband and walked him through what I felt guilty about (he suffered from hospital dementia and wanted to get out of the bed at the hospital. It was not safe and I tried to prevent him.). I also was questioning myself about what more I could have done (according to multiple Drs there wasn’t more, but that didn’t assuage my guilt.) After speaking to him aloud and calmly walking him through what occurred during his last 48 hours, still with my eyes closed, I felt all the guilt lift and felt his presence and his love. I continue to talk aloud to him and find it extremely comforting.

Sending you kind thoughts and comfort. DM me if you ever want to.

M

[chowder66]

54. ....

[Skittles]

55. you're being too hard on yourself

your bereavement is still fresh and you are correct, the constant barrage of bad news from here and around the word does not help

someone is always here on DU, we are here for you

[BlueKota]

56. I am so sorry.

There are on-line support groups, if you think those might help during what's left of the winter.

[JMCKUSICK]

57. Two of the very best ways to deal with grief for me,

Have been ongoing regular conversations with the deceased, as they were such an important part of my life So I kept them near and dear by including them in my daily acts, and second, is doing very specific things to go or them. Things that they would have garnered great joy from or that we used to do together.

I talk to them to this day and it helps me get through those moments without trying to avoid them.

Were you being treated for those things prior to his death?

I know this may be somewhat controversial, but the last thing I wanted during the very worst of my pain and loss was medication. As deep as the loss is and as painful as it is to be in the midst of it, I also trust that I'm feeling everything that's normal in this moment and I've slowly and gradually gotten through parts of it by giving myself permission to be exactly where I am.

Those of us that have taken this journey, or are in the midst of it understand, empathize and share your loss.

I still say thank you often for those gifts I'm blessed enough to carry forward from them.

Trust. You.

[Moostache]

58. This community is here for you.

My condolences on your loss, we all grieve in a manner that our bodies and souls dictate to us and there's never a "right" or "wrong" way to process it all (unless you are not getting the support you need).

I know that I was uplifted by the many messages or condolence and support I received here last week upon my father's passing.

[GreatGazoo]

60. {{ Hugs }} EKR's books helped me understand the physical component of grief

"On Grief and Grieving" and "On Death and Dying" helped me understand some of the hidden dynamics of grief. A big part of grief is biological -- like puberty: you can't stop it but you can understand it. For me, grief could lift and then come back as quickly and unexpected as a sneeze. It's been years and it still does that once in a while.

My heart goes out to you. Hope you will take extra care of yourself.

[highplainsdem]

61. I'm so sorry, Ziggysmom.

We're here for you, and others have already offered some of the advice I would have. I'd especially recommend grief support groups, whether online or off, whichever you feel more comfortable with. They helped me through a year when I lost four loved ones.

The guilt you feel mixed with grief is something I believe is common for caregivers. Even if you did everything possible, and if everyone who knew the situation told you that you did everything possible, there's a tendency to feel that maybe you could have done something more. I searched for your older messages about the caregiving, and I believe you gave your husband the best possible care, and kept him at home as long as possible. You have no real reason to feel guilty, but you loved him and you couldn't keep him healthy forever, and the guilt is from not having been able to work a miracle to make him healthy again.

I have no idea what your beliefs about an afterlife might be. I'm not religious - left the Catholic Church I was raised in when I was a teenager, have never been tempted to follow any other religion. But one thing I found very comforting with grief support groups was hearing personal stories of experiences people there had had, experiences that convinced them our loved ones are still very much alive on the other side. That we all have reunions to look forward to.

There's a relaxation technique, originally developed to help with PTSD, that might help you sleep. I've used it for that sometimes. To me it feels like instant meditation.

[malaise]

62. That's not that long

You lost part of your life.
Now serious question - are you able to exercise?

[Dunc]

63. Hugs my friend.